EmoRebo

You know how it is when you have a favourite restaurant and even though you've only been going there, for let's say, just over a year, there was some problem and they had to close down.

It wasn't just 1 specific item on the menu or any thing in particular, but it was the familiarity and the ease with which you could just speak to the manager and ask for specific things done to your order. It was like home. After years of just making do with generic stuff, this was a huge upgrade.

And it was nourishing and lifted your spirits and gave you a reason to smile.

And just as you're coming into the 2nd year of being a regular at this establishment, something's happened and it's just not the same any more.

So now, it's kinda out of the picture, you just end up looking for a replacement of sorts, a place that can give you that warm, fuzzy welcome and same sense of home. It is not a pretty process.

And then you sorta come across something that's high on the potential list and you feel that perhaps this might be something new to try. But as it turns out, this new joint is unreliable - erratic opening hours and the customer service is pretty crap.

So you end up feeling somewhat needy, and question why you cannot just breathe and go with the flow. Damn this emotional rebound business.

Deep, huh?

On second thoughts, please don't answer that.

Goodbye & Now What

A week ago today, I attended my grand-aunt's funeral in Singapore. She was 91, and succumbed to renal failure after a 4-week stay in the hospital, and when they could not do anything else for her, 2 more weeks in a hospice.

The last time that she remembered seeing me was a few days before Chinese New Year. I was on a 4-hour layover in Singapore before my connecting flight to KL - I was going to visit friends before CNY - and cabbed to the hospital to see my grandaunt. She had been given morphine to ease her discomfort, but had waken up to see me, and when she realized that it was me, said "Why did you waste money to come see me?" I love how her way of showing affection was self-effacing and a bit too logical. She complained to me about having back pains, and said she didn't know when she would get better. I told her to rest and not worry about that. Then I left to catch my flight to KL. 3 days later, on the even of Chinese New Year, I came back to see her, but she was sleeping a lot. And she was uncomfortable and agitated. When I flew back 3 days later, she was sleeping. On some levels, that's how I want to remember her last days.

Over the past week, I've been looking at old photos and the tears have been quite forceful. See, my grand-aunt was a lovely, kind woman who never raised her voice at me, and was always sweet and good-natured. My grand-aunt had raised my mum, who had lost her mum - my grandmother - when she was 6 months old.

When my sister was 15, she left home and lived with my grand-aunt. On my sister's 50th birthday last Friday, my grandaunt died. Too much to handle, all around.

I'm glad she's resting and no longer in pain. The mourning will continue for some time, I know.

But then there's Herman. I don't know what's the best thing to do, seeing as how even when we are/were together, we had quite separate lives. The intersection is getting narrower by the day, and this health issue he's dealing with scares me and worries me. And is making it challenging to be together.

I don't want to keep saying goodbye...

6 months?

Has it really been 6 months since I posted something here?

Let's just say that it's been a challenging summer, what with the tempering of realities on many levels. There have been tough days and some even tougher weeks.

And some ugly truths that I've had to contend with, face up to and decide how to move forward on. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you wonder. Truly.

I've also recently marked the 1st year of my being in a relationship. It's still lovely and wonderful and frustrating and scary and all the things that make life interesting. I worry for HT but at the same time, I can only live for the now. And maybe the next week.

And I'm happy to report that my 4th friend welcomed a baby this year, so here's to Lex, Lovella, Brandon & Madeleine - welcome to the club, kids.

It's Raining And I'm Loving It

An old friend - who I don't really know that well - recently started blogging. A bit late to the game, perhaps, but I guess we all have our timetables.

His most recent blog was about tea and coffee. About how we all have preferences. And what it says about us. I cringed. I rolled my eyes. Is this really that interesting? Yeah, I'm a snob. And a bitch. But you know that.

I'd much prefer to share with you the fact that during my recent visit to Singapore this past week, I was inundated with reunions. I met with my 2 orphaned cousins who I've not met in 15 years (I should get a medal, huh?), a good friend I lost touch with who I've not seen in 20 years or so, and another friend who I've known since I was 7 but have not met in 4 years.

My cousins made me think hard about family. Maybe it's cos' I'm 40 and something's kicked in, but my sis (their step-cousin) and I have decided to contribute a modest amount per month to help with household expenses.

And it was nice that after 20 years, Lay Hoon & I picked up from where we left off. It's true what they say about real friends - and no amount of time or distance can diminish the bond that you have and feel.

As for my friend Asrof, he's now a father of 2, and I'm glad that he's still the same guy I knew when we were 7 and then 17. Yes, gaps are allowed in friendships.

And yes, it is raining and it love it. I find rain very cleansing. And I love it more that I'm indoors.

And I like both coffee and tea. It just depends on what I feel like. No blogging necessary on that.

Have a good weekend.

Forty

Yup, it's finally here. I'm at Jeff version 4.0.

And this video was put together my friend Eugene, who really outdid himself. It was a good evening, with the right amount of emo, minus the drama.

Here's the video that brought on the low-level water-works.

Commitment

I think it's finally happened to me.

I'm not sure how this whole thing's gonna go, but I made a commitment to be with one person, and it feels right.

And you know what, I'm thrilled. And scared. And happy. And just going with the flow.

Methinks a short vacation somewhere might be in the works. I'll keep you posted.

Happy Easter.

Changes

It's funny how changing your relationship status to 'In a relationship' on Facebook, of all places, brought on a barrage of responses and comments from friends who were either surprised, happy, curious or just simply relieved.

Yup, relieved. And such a good feeling. I know there will be good days and bad ahead, but I know, at this moment, that I want them both. I hope I'll be strong enough and mature enough to deal with anything that comes my way. Our way.

HT is such a lovely person and so strong, too, though at the moment, it's not looking that way. I'm determined to be a good partner and friend.

Wish me luck and love.

5 Months In

Yup, a new milestone for me. Still much to learn, and a long way to go.

But I'm glad that it's happening. And I'm looking forward to what happens next, in a good way.

And it's interesting how the work/life arcs have sorta flipped over.

Restart

After a week of waiting and trying to not completely lose it, I'm happy to report that a dinner and movie date took place on Monday.

8 days of mixed feelings and tears and hurt and a major rethink was painful but I know was long overdue. It's clear that YH is most probably going to be a major factor in Jeff 4.0. What a way to start the year.

In unrelated news, I received confirmation of my first bonus at work in 7 years. It feels good.

I can exhale on so many levels.

Shaved

I didn't get to meet YH as planned. He was sick with some tummy ailment.

But I had to shave. I was beginning to look quite unpalatable.

There has been one phone-call, which I wasn't expecting, and there have been a few more text messages and chats on messenger. I'm grateful for all these.

Whatever the outcome, I hope I can be honest and evolve into someone who's better and stronger.

I hate how cliches are all true in times like these.

One Week In

A week has passed and contact has been re-established, to some extent.

A week that's been equal parts emotional, challenging and draining. It's self-inflicted, yeah, but I've also got a new sense of clarity of what I want. I hope this lesson stays with me.

I've not shaved since I told YH about the bad stuff. The plan is to shave only after we meet again. I'm looking really scruffy. Fingers crossed.

And I Wait

3 days in. But at least we've got some contact. via msn messenger.

which is good. at least there is contact. yeah. contact is good. I think.

Control Alternate...

It's been said and done. I can only wait.

Honesty being the best policy so cannot be used in this instance. But then again, some say that I was just being selfish. You know, telling the truth to clear my conscience at the expense of someone's feelings.

I know what I said was sincere. My feelings were/are sincere. But I also know that no matter where the pain came from, it hurts just as bad.

Too many questions. I just want one thing.

I Screwed Up

So I meet a great sweet fella and after some false starts, we decide to see each other exclusively. Breaking news indeed, because it's my first de facto relationship.

Of course, when you've not had any proper relationship by the age of 39, you make do with the variety of affection that usually comes with no-strings, no follow-up, no fuss, no he's not going to call you on your birthday.

So maybe I was freaked out at this major step I was taking. Or I was just an asshole because I cheated. A month ago. No excuses. I'm an asshole.

This evening, after a very intimate and loving weekend, I decided to 'fess up. I wanted to be honest.

The look on his face broke my heart. I'm still not sure if I'm still in a relationship after today.

It hurts like hell.

Beautiful

Maybe it's because of my years associated with the music industry that I've always felt very invested in the Grammy awards. Last year, I skipped watching the 'live' telecast for the first time in more than 13 years...and didn't really miss it. Or maybe 'cos I was busy at work. Or maybe it was a boring year for music.

This year's different. I've had a blah couple of weeks, work's not engaging me at the moment, I'm recovering from some weird sty on my eye, and I'm feeling exceptionally needy, what with not having spent any face time with the one who stayed over.

The eye's still acting up slightly so I'm on sick leave today, and had the Grammy's for company. Big year for Beyonce, Lady Gaga & Taylor Swift. But this moment during the award show was unexpected, beautiful and in my opinion, stole the show with its classy showmanship and Pink's underrated strong vocals. Don't know how long this is going to be on the internet, but enjoy this work of art while it's still online.



Art.

It's All New

It's sorta 2 months into this new relationship, and yeah, I do have those nervous moments and curious minutes where I'm not sure if I can impose, if I should impose. 'Cos you know how it's a thin line between cool fella to raving lunatic.

And I guess it's only natural to have these moments when adjustments are being made, when you're trying to create new routines, and find common things that you both want to do.

It's all new. And some days, it's equal parts fun and scary. Call me a worrier.

But HT is lovely and sweet and lovable and it's quite a heady mix. Bless.

Work's boring me somewhat, and I'm hoping this will pass. Plus this stye on my eye (or is that sty) is so not helping with my general mood. Oh, and the whole tax/bills/money/mum thing is also causing some measure of chagrin.

Yeah, I used chagrin in a sentence. Sue me. How was your week?

Rainy January Morning

Just when I thought I was getting used to the HK winter and it gets cold again this morning. Thank goodness for terry cloth towels.

Anyway, so I've started dating. 6 months to my 40th birthday. Interesting. Enjoying it. I feel pretty grown up, and we've actually had a few chat about heavy-going serious matters.

It's a scary but good feeling.

And I also came along this brilliant blog that a woman started, listing down the rich material that her sleep-talking husband comes up with. You can't make this up stuff up:

"I can't control the kittens. Too many whiskers! Too many whiskers!"
"Ooh! My balls are itchy. Have you got the cheese grater?"
"I haven't put on weight. Your eyes are fat."
"By the way, washing in rose water doesn't stop you smelling like a piece of shit."

Read more about Sleep Talkin' Man's mumblings here.

This past weekend, I checked out Boring Ego's blog and saw BiPolo man at the bar down the road. Random. And then I had lunch with HT and walked HT home, which was quite lovely.

Have a good week ahead. Kiss kiss.

Happy Holidays

How was your Christmas break? I have a friend staying with me. And his friends brought on their fair share of drama over the holidays.

The cougar got super drunk and passed out in the washroom of a nice bar we were at. And the childish one got drunk and decided to pee next to the DJ console in a club.

And I've started to date. Like, properly. Which is nice and strange and just a little bit scary. Early days. Wish me luck.

And no more drunk holidaying friends for 2010, please!

Have you watched Avatar yet?

OMG! The Gossip Girl Three-Way! - The Daily Beast

Rejoice, Upper East Siders, because Monday night's Gossip Girl finally revealed the participants of the sweeps-ratings-baiting threesome. When a "things to do in college" checklist met with hard liquor, it was none other than Dan, his movie star girlfriend Olivia, and his BFF Vanessa who tripled their pleasure.

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Fave Emmy Moment

Been a while, I know. Work happens. Life, too. Sorry.

But I loved this piece of press room session with Tina Fey and the cast of 30 Rock.