The last time that she remembered seeing me was a few days before Chinese New Year. I was on a 4-hour layover in Singapore before my connecting flight to KL - I was going to visit friends before CNY - and cabbed to the hospital to see my grandaunt. She had been given morphine to ease her discomfort, but had waken up to see me, and when she realized that it was me, said "Why did you waste money to come see me?" I love how her way of showing affection was self-effacing and a bit too logical. She complained to me about having back pains, and said she didn't know when she would get better. I told her to rest and not worry about that. Then I left to catch my flight to KL. 3 days later, on the even of Chinese New Year, I came back to see her, but she was sleeping a lot. And she was uncomfortable and agitated. When I flew back 3 days later, she was sleeping. On some levels, that's how I want to remember her last days.
Over the past week, I've been looking at old photos and the tears have been quite forceful. See, my grand-aunt was a lovely, kind woman who never raised her voice at me, and was always sweet and good-natured. My grand-aunt had raised my mum, who had lost her mum - my grandmother - when she was 6 months old.
When my sister was 15, she left home and lived with my grand-aunt. On my sister's 50th birthday last Friday, my grandaunt died. Too much to handle, all around.
I'm glad she's resting and no longer in pain. The mourning will continue for some time, I know.
But then there's Herman. I don't know what's the best thing to do, seeing as how even when we are/were together, we had quite separate lives. The intersection is getting narrower by the day, and this health issue he's dealing with scares me and worries me. And is making it challenging to be together.
I don't want to keep saying goodbye...
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