5 Months In

Yup, a new milestone for me. Still much to learn, and a long way to go.

But I'm glad that it's happening. And I'm looking forward to what happens next, in a good way.

And it's interesting how the work/life arcs have sorta flipped over.

Restart

After a week of waiting and trying to not completely lose it, I'm happy to report that a dinner and movie date took place on Monday.

8 days of mixed feelings and tears and hurt and a major rethink was painful but I know was long overdue. It's clear that YH is most probably going to be a major factor in Jeff 4.0. What a way to start the year.

In unrelated news, I received confirmation of my first bonus at work in 7 years. It feels good.

I can exhale on so many levels.

Shaved

I didn't get to meet YH as planned. He was sick with some tummy ailment.

But I had to shave. I was beginning to look quite unpalatable.

There has been one phone-call, which I wasn't expecting, and there have been a few more text messages and chats on messenger. I'm grateful for all these.

Whatever the outcome, I hope I can be honest and evolve into someone who's better and stronger.

I hate how cliches are all true in times like these.

One Week In

A week has passed and contact has been re-established, to some extent.

A week that's been equal parts emotional, challenging and draining. It's self-inflicted, yeah, but I've also got a new sense of clarity of what I want. I hope this lesson stays with me.

I've not shaved since I told YH about the bad stuff. The plan is to shave only after we meet again. I'm looking really scruffy. Fingers crossed.

And I Wait

3 days in. But at least we've got some contact. via msn messenger.

which is good. at least there is contact. yeah. contact is good. I think.

Control Alternate...

It's been said and done. I can only wait.

Honesty being the best policy so cannot be used in this instance. But then again, some say that I was just being selfish. You know, telling the truth to clear my conscience at the expense of someone's feelings.

I know what I said was sincere. My feelings were/are sincere. But I also know that no matter where the pain came from, it hurts just as bad.

Too many questions. I just want one thing.

I Screwed Up

So I meet a great sweet fella and after some false starts, we decide to see each other exclusively. Breaking news indeed, because it's my first de facto relationship.

Of course, when you've not had any proper relationship by the age of 39, you make do with the variety of affection that usually comes with no-strings, no follow-up, no fuss, no he's not going to call you on your birthday.

So maybe I was freaked out at this major step I was taking. Or I was just an asshole because I cheated. A month ago. No excuses. I'm an asshole.

This evening, after a very intimate and loving weekend, I decided to 'fess up. I wanted to be honest.

The look on his face broke my heart. I'm still not sure if I'm still in a relationship after today.

It hurts like hell.